I have developed a list of fool-proof ways to manage my sleep while my husband is away. He's been away a lot this summer. I'm not going to tell you if he's gone right now or not because you could use that knowledge against me.
And just in case you are getting the wrong idea here, I'm not a scardy-cat girl (except for roaches, that is a different ball game, and I've almost set a building on fire trying to run away from one). I don't ever scream when people jump out from behind a door and YELL in my FACE.
Not even scared.
Also, I'm not scared of spiders. Again, we wont' talk about roaches. I can kill a spider no problem, not even from across the room. I can stand right next to it and kill it.
Next also, when I'm with a group of girls who are all afraid of something, I'll inevitably be the one to say, "Oh, golly, ladies, get a grip." and go and do that thing that everyone is scared of doing, because that is very impressive to everyone.
(Caveat: if the thing is kill a roach, then I'm not your gal. Caveat #2: I'll only generally volunteer to do the scary thing if there are enough people there that my heroic deed has a good likelihood of being repeated to other people who I also want to impress. Otherwise, no I'm not doing anything scary.)
My other Achilles heel would be scary movies. When my husband and I were first married we went to see Amityville Horror. My terror went way beyond cute-date-scared. It was like, drowning-suffocating-person-trying-to-climb-out-of-a-burning-window scared. It's not super romantic when you're sweating like a pig and you still insist that your date allows you to fit the top of your body inside his jacket where you can cover your face. So, that was our last scary movie, and I def. don't watch anything that has clattering piano music, tense situations, or people with bad intentions whilst the hubs is gone. I stick to the 3 C's: Cartoons, Comedies, Chick-Flicks.
Anyway. I'm pretty brave with a lot of things, so you might be shocked to discover that I really don't like staying home alone.
However, since I find myself staying home alone quite a bit this summer, I have developed these really awesome tactics to get to sleep every night.
1. Turn all the lights on. Yeah, all of them. Light it up. I generally do this around 10 pm. Other people are sleeping?? Not this gal. My goal is that all my neighbors think I party every night while Jason is gone. Why? Because that will trick the bad guys. I'm saying, if I had a train and a Michael Jordan life-size cutout, I'd be doing this Home Alone style. But since I don't, I just turn all the lights on and leave them all night. This is what the guys who are casing my house are probably saying:
"Wait, I thought you said they were on vacation."
"Wait, I thought you said they were on vacation."
"They ARE. They're SUPPOSED to be in France."
no, wait, wait. That's not it. Like this:
"I thought you said that it was only one little woman and a baby here."
"Yeah. I guess she's got guests"
"There must be a lot of people in there if all the lights are on."
"There is no WAY I'm going into THAT house."
or something.
2. Stay up late. I mean l a t e. Like. You put on the first Downton Abbey and you keep 'em coming. You doze off, WAKE UP! Start the next episode. Doze off again WAKE UP. Then, after you've roused yourself about 3 times, you probably, at that point, actually are very tired. So you go to bed. The key here is to make sure you are totally, mind-blown-tired. Or else you'll get in bed and start hearing things, etc. etc. You basically have to be so tired that you literally think, "I don't care if someone kills me, I'm going to sleep." This kind of sleep is very similar to the sort of sleep that the mother of a baby just brought home from the hospital will get that first week. In fact, if you are a parent, you will find yourself much better prepared for this routine.
3. Leave the t.v. on. Don't be a fool and leave it on what you were actually just watching (let's be real, it was Gilmore Girls). Leave it on something that a guy would watch. Like a hunting show. So when the bad guys peek in the window, they THINK someone is up and alert and possibly cleaning a gun.
4. Weapon near bed. I've heard this one done a multitude of ways. One friend will take the thing that hold all the bullets out of the gun (tell me you have a gun. If not, get one. And be familiar with it enough that you know what thing I'm talking about when I say, the things that holds the bullets. Safety first, ladies) and lay it on the pillow next to her in bed, along with the gun. She'll place it so that its almost in the gun, but not quite, and all she has to do is wake up, slam the bullet holder into the gun, and, guess who's Liam Neeson now?? You are (she is). Or, you can do a butcher knife under the pillow. Old school. I usually have a baby in the bed with me (I'm not here suggesting that a baby is a weapon. Keep reading and this will all make so much sense. Although, if you can think of a way to use a baby as a weapon, I'm all ears), so I opt for the medium sized knife in a case inside my pillowcase. There are a lot of holes in this strategy, I'll admit. My pillowcase-to-blade speed is not impressive. But hey, that's why we leave the t.v. on, right?
5. Up your people count. This one is the easiest, except that company can be high maintenance. And for them to do you much good, they need to stay the night. The goal here is upping your people count to a point where any intruder will be like, "Where are all these people COMING FROM?" Clown car style. This is where having siblings really pays off. If you have enough, you can cover a 10 day stretch without much problem. Everyone has to take a shift. Siblings are also better than friends, because all you have to do is give them food and a t.v., then you can totally ignore them and just go read in the bathroom if you want. This is also a legitimate reason to have lots of children. Protection.
Word of warning: Upping the people count in your house can lead to feelings of paranoia when your people count drops. If you are used to living with 8 people, suddenly 3 seems like a pittance. It can make you seriously consider the benefits of communal living.
6. Animals. Put them in the way so that an intruder will trip over them. Or just keep them around if they can make noises. Otherwise, nevermind.
7. Cans in front of the doors. Stacked. I'm not payin' for no fancy alarm system!!
8. This one isn't really preventive, it's more along the lines of exhausting yourself so you don't care. Sleep aid. Get the job done.
You will find, as I have, that over the course of 7 - 10 days, it naturally becomes easier and easier to sleep, as you become more and more exhausted. By day 10, you hardly even need to stack the cans or leave the fireplace going.
