Monday's Story - Vol. 2

I once attended a very distinguished southern university. I was only there for a year, but  year in college can provide stories for a lifetime. This story happened to my friend Jack. 

On the night in question, as he was staggering away from the circle, with his date in his arms, he had one of those flashes of consciousness where you wonder what in the world you would have thought if someone had snapped a polariod of this moment and time-mailed it to your younger self. Say, you at age 16. The crowd that they were leaving behind was still standing in a shocked hush, but the further they got he heard the murmuring and chuckles pick back up. 

But perhaps I should let Jack tell the story in his own words:

Ahem. So I was a junior in college taking a class on - well, nevermind what class it was, but I sat next to this girl, Lindsay. We weren't really friends. I mean, we were friendly. We'd chat during class and stuff, but we never hung out or anything. She was a nice girl. I mean, I dunno. I didn't really think of her a lot, she was just the girl who sat next to me. From time to time though, I kind of got the impression that she had a little crush on me.

Is that cocky or conceited to say? No. It really was true. Later events confirmed that. But at the time it wasn't even a thing. I was sort of keeping my eye on someone else. So when my friend Charlotte asked me one day if I would go to the dance with Lindsay, I said sure. I thought it was a little weird that she didn't ask me herself, but whatever. I said yes. 

The dance was this 20's themed thing where the girls dressed up like flappers and there was swing dancing. She seemed really excited about it and we talked about it in class a few times leading up to the dance. I guess girls just like that sort of thing where they force guys to dress fancy. I dunno why she was so pumped.

...

...

We went out to dinner first and we were with a few other couples and it was nice. We were having a good time, everyone was cracking jokes and getting along and it was going good. I think she was enjoying it a little more than I was, but I was by no means miserable. She's a nice girl, I was having fun. I tried not to think too much about the dancing that was coming up. At the dance, there were swing dancing lessons and of course we were really good at it. After a while, as all white people at a dance will do, we circled up and different people would take turns dancing in the middle of the circle. Its very customary. There were the serious swing-dancers who had probably been waiting all year for this dance and who had like, dropped suggestions a million times about how "We should really have a spring formal with, like, a swing dancing theme..."

And there were the people who just danced however they wanted no matter what kind of music was on...

  And who made things awkward because they spend a reeeeealllly long time in the middle of the circle...

And the people who were clearly having the worst date of all time.

And then it was our turn. Lindsay and me. So, she was ready, she was all like, "Let's go!" But I thought that we needed a plan, so I pulled her over to the side and asked her if she had ever seen that SNL Spartan cheerleaders skit. She hadn't. I wasn't deterred. This was going to be really good, I knew it would, so I described it to her and there was this part, I told her, "where you'll like squat down, and I'll swing my leg over you and then you'll jump up and we'll keep dancing." I don't know. It's all a little blurry now. But I'm sure I said that. She was like, "Yeah, I sort of think I get the idea. I can do that. Ok, got it." So we jumped in the circle. I just knew it was going to be hilarious. 

We were almost through our routine. The crowd was loving it. Suckers!! They WISH they had thought of this idea. It was time for the leg-swing-over. She squatted, I was glad it was ending, because, to be honest, I was getting a little tired. I gave one last burst of energy and swung my leg as hard as I could and somewhere about 12 inches from passing over her head, I realized that she was starting to stand up.

Not good. I kicked her. Hard. In the head. She went down immediately. I was terrified. I thought I might have knocked her out. The circle was horrified. I just... did the first thing that came into my head, I was thinking "All these people are staring, I need to get her out of here so she can recover without everyone looking at her." And I just picked her up and started to run away. Well, limp away because my shin hurt like heck after kicking her in the head. It turns out that was my fatal mistake.

See, I didn't know this, but you do not EVER, EVER pick up a little person. Its very offensive to them. I had no idea. Did I mention that? That she was a little person? I would have said midget, but I learned that term is also offensive. The correct term is "little person". I didn't know. How could I have known? She was hurt, I had just basically roundhouse kicked her in the head, people were staring at us, I thought I had to get her out of there. Not a good move. She took it like a trooper, she really did. She was ok, and she was even laughing about it. I think that was only because she sort of had a crush on me still. At that point. Later, after mulling it over, I think she kind of got over me pretty quickly, but at that point, things were still a little in my favor in her mind. 

Things went downhill for us from there though. I was never ever invited to an event sponsored by that sorority again. I actually ended up kind of being branded as this big jerk because I picked her up. I had no idea. I mean, it wasn't the kicking in the head that did it. It was the picking up and running with her. So. Lesson learned, I guess. Well first, don't pressure your date into re-enacting a SNL skit with you, second, when she does, don't kick her in the head, and third, do not EVER pick up a little person.