How to be the Worst in a Drive-Thru

When I don't get to be at home making things, I work at Starbucks. I've spent years compiling a list of annoying things to do/say in a drive-thru. Here is a sampling.

1. Drive up fast, with your window down, and don't wait for someone to say hi to you. Don't even give them 2 seconds. Say, "Hellllooooo?!!" as though you were yelling at someone from a window, stories above them.

2. When you order, be vague. When asked a question, always answer with a question.

"Coffee, lots of sugar."

"How many sugars is 'lots'?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?"

or

"Would you like to try a blueberry scone today?"

"Is it free?"

At the very least, when you are asked, "Is that all?" don't answer. This is important, because it lets the window-worker know that you are in total control of the situation.

3. Spend forever looking for money, try and break a one hundred dollar bill first thing in the morning, and then pay with change and say, "I don't know how much that is, just count it."

4. When your drink comes, if it even MIGHT not be the right drink, recoil in terror. Literally, lean back, raise your hands and make your mouth look like you are making fish sounds. Say, "I wanted it COLD, not HOT." even if you forgot that part at the speaker, don't admit it. Suddenly become stricken with t-rex disease and refuse to reach more than your hand out of your car window for the drink. Do not extend your arm. Let the drive-thru worker lean out until their feet are just barely on the floor still, and they can basically just place the drink in your console drink holder for you.

5. Get on the phone and roll up your window and don't look to see if someone is standing there with your drink for at least 3 minutes.

6. Be on your cell phone the whole time.

Now, if you feel like following these rules, I invite you to come and visit me at the Starbucks in Spring, TX tomorrow from 5am-12pm. See you there!